The Cost of Being A Slayer
by DingoesAteMyBaby
Summary: Buffy's feelings after chosen. Mild Scooby bashing. Songfic. Please read. Maybe even review, or flame it. Just tell me what you think.


I'm probably going to do one shot's all day....

I don't particularly like this song...but hey

It's a little short but i like it.

If I didn't feel this depressed you might've actually gotten happy one shots.

I'm working on a poem too.

Here's another 1:

_You can change your life - if you wanna  
You can change your clothes - if you wanna  
If you change your mind  
Well, that's the way it goes_

I've been hurt a lot. Everyone knows this. But hell, they don't understand. They don't know the pain I go through each day. Only I do. Because I'm the only one. I was chosen. That's the day my hurt began. I try not to reflect on painful memories as they just hurt me more.

_But I'm gonna keep your jeans  
And your old black hat - cause I wanna  
They look good on me  
You're never gonna get them back_

They all know that i have the cross necklace, Mr.Pointy, my leather jacket, and the skull ring. They are the from the most important people of my life. Angel, Kendra, and Spike. Angel, he was my first real love. I gave him all my heart and he crushed it. But I've moved on. Kendra. I didn't know her very much. But we had the Sister Slayer thing going. She undestood me. Spike. He gave me one of the happiest days of my life. He was my fiancé. That day made me feel so happy even if it was fake. Because something like that won't ever happen. I don't have a future. If i do, it's a very painful one.

_If it's over, let it go and  
Come tomorrow it will seem  
So yesterday, so yesterday  
I'm just a bird that's already flown away_

That's the thing it won't feel like that. I'm never gonna be loved. Cared for. Thought of. Not if it doesn't include slaying. My happy memories can't seem so yesterday. They don't. They won't. Never. I just can't seem to let them go.

_Laugh it off let it go and  
When you wake up it will seem  
So yesterday, so yesterday  
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay_

I try to laugh. I give them fake smiles. That they al think they are real. Except Spike. He understands me. And as for the two other's that understand me? Kendra, she died, Drusilla killed her. It was my fault. I recognize that and it hurts. Angel? He's in LA. He left me. I doubt he understands me much anymore anyway. But I have to move on. Keep the past. Keep the memories. And move on to more pain. But for the while, I'll be okay.

_You can say you're bored - if you wanna  
You can act real tough - if you wanna  
You can say you're torn  
But I've heard enough_

I use the excuse of being slaying all night. That it's the reason for me being tired. That's not true. Partly it is. But it's mostly because I can't get any shut eye anymore. Whenever I go to sleep, I'm haunted. I remember the pain of everything. Dieing the first time, my mother's death, Giles' leaving, Kendra's death, Willow's short coma, Giles' torture by Angelus, the First Evil. The First taunts me. It uses Kendra's body. My mother's. Tell's me it's my fault. And it's right.

_Thank you... you made my mind up for me  
When you started to ignore me  
Do you see a single tear  
It isn't gonna happen here  
At least not today, not today, not today_

I have. Been ignored I mean. So many different times that I have begun to not even care. Even I have begun to ignore them sometimes. Stay locked up in my room, the cementary, Spike's crypt. It doesn't matter anymore . I don't care anymore. Sometimes I even wander the streets randomly. Suicide was a choice. But I decided to live by what I said to Angel once. 'Strong is fighting. Strong is living, And it's every day'. I cried about it. About everything. Being ignored. All the pain. The hurt. But I'm over it. I won't cry anymore. I tried to scream at all of them. For hurting me this way. But I can't. Seeing them in pain will only hurt me more. But sometimes I wish. I wish that I could be a normal girl. With a normal life. Or at least that I wouldn't feel his way. But I've tried. Going away. It didn't work. My past followed me. The First was right in one of it's taunts. I'll always be alone. I'm never gonna feel better. Cause it's the cost of being the slayer. 


End file.
